...tough times

Yesterday and today were very hard.
The loved one of a dear friend passed.

Short story:
I think one of my blessings is the capability to feel for others, sincere empathy. And, when I feel - I act. When something terrible happens, death for instance, and others say 'I don't need anything, thanks for asking.' I hear, '...just care about me and what has happened' and then I go to work. My usual course of action is to go in to business mode. I rack my brain to think of things I can do (errands I can run, phone calls to make, things to clean, what to cook for dinner...etc.), anything I can do to take a burden off the person in pain. Its my blessing. And, I do it willingly and gladly.

Well, this week - the death - the dear friend - it was my ex's grandmother. He loved her dearly, and her love for him was 100x greater. She was 94. I loved her too. And, she loved me. But, I have not seen his family since the divorce.

~My ex - not sure I have come to terms with saying that yet. Ex has such a negative connotation. My ex, I care about. He is my friend.~

Needless to say, it drove me nuts not 'being there', not 'helping', not 'doing my thing'... I wanted to reach out. I could not. It was awkward. Painful. Hard. Empty.  ...did I mention, awkward? I went to the visitation, where I was greeted with open arms. Hugged. Loved. Told I was missed. What a beautiful family. Pure class. I went to the funeral. I was asked to join the family on the front pew. I respectfully declined. That was not my seat...not anymore. I felt rude. Mean. Unworthy. It was all within me, no one made me feel it. It was just me.

Tough times.
Tough tough times.
I hate crying. It drains me. It's worse than any hard days' labor.
Tonight, I feel beat up - head to toe - nothing left.

So, tomorrow is a new day.
I will be stronger. I know that. But today, is a day I will always remember. The day I had to step back and watch the pain of people I care about from a distance.