...breathing room

prepare yourself
this might be the most stupid blog in the history of blogging...
and i'm going to whine
and vent
and well, say things i probably shouldn't
but in the spirit of 'this blog is here for me...to help me' - i'm gonna do it.

the walls are closing in.
i feel pressure.
and i feel like a puppet.
like i get up every day and do what i am programmed to do.

work sucks right now.
and i don't really know why.
i am writing annual reviews for everyone.
and i feel like i can't say what i think on the bad things (a PC version would be 'areas for improvement').
and when i say what i think (for those who are awesome), i feel like my words just don't do them justice.
and, i am NOT complaining about having been off work due to the tornadoes. but now, it feels like everyone needs something from me. and i don't know. i don't have answers. and i am trying to do my work and help them with theirs.

then, i feel guilty.
for being pissed at work.
because our community lost lives and homes.
and, our state lost many many lives and homes.
and, i am mad about it.
i am not mad at God.
seriously.
who wants to challenge the big man?
i'm just wishing it didn't happen.
but things happen for a reason.
i don't understand, but that's okay - it's part of the plan.

then there is social life.
a man with a sleeveless harley davidson shirt hit on me this weekend.
i am pretty sure his armpits and chest were shaved.
and yes, i could see b/c he was posing with this sleeveless shirt, slightly unbuttoned.
trying to flex his muscles by putting his arms over his head and leaning against something.
i tried to make conversation.
i asked him what he does for a living.
he said 'as little as possible'
he then told me that 'you smell good'
are you kidding me?
is this the best that's out there...?
ugh.
i'd rather be celibate for the rest of my life...

i wish i could wake up tomorrow and be where i am meant to be.
be who i am meant to be.
be...more.
but then, i wouldn't learn anything.
and well, i like to learn.
so wishing tomorrow was all figured out wouldn't satisfy me either.

ok...i'm not gonna wrap up with a sugar coat.
this is my gut right now.
and guts are ugly.

(friends who read the blog...don't worry. i am ok...no reason for concern. i'm just venting here b/c i don't do it in person.)

PS - beach countdown = 10 days. time to recharge the batteries. :-)

PSS - i proof read my blog and found errors. and it's driving me nuts. ughh.